Hey, America!

Is pizza a vegetable? Well, Congress says so

By , Friday 18 November 2011 10.21 EST

Hey, America! The GOP is, yet again, looking out for you. This week, Congress took a break from voting to make sure none of your tax dollars will go to all those abortion clinics NPR wants to open in our national parks, to pass a federal law that only the nation that invented Febreze would tolerate.

They have affirmed that pizza is a vegetable. Yes, the tomato sauce on pizza is enough for American politicians to define it and allow it to be served as a vegetable in school lunch programs across the US.

Never mind that tomatoes are a fruit, and commercial tomato sauce has so much sugar in it that not only is it not a vegetable, but it should be classified as a dessert. In fact, it takes a big set of balls to even call school lunch pizza, um, pizza. I think the only chance we have of instilling any sense into these politicians is if we douse it with squirt cheese and serve it in a microwaveable pouch.

And poor Michelle Obama. The First Lady is working so hard to get kids to put down the Cool Ranch deep-fried tobacco dogs, or whatever it is they concoct with that meat substance pet food companies rejected that got sold to public schools. It is a Sisyphean task just to get these lunch programs to serve something, anything, fresh and healthy that hasn’t been grown with Major League Baseball-style steroids. Why? Because we live in America, where people, who have been elected to public office, do not believe in climate science, but do believe pizza is a vegetable. I envy your tenacity, Flotus.

I knew big Pharma and the NRA had powerful lobbies, but apparently, the frozen food industry’s “partially hydrogenated, tomato-ish sauce-coated, food-like cardboard substance” lobby is more influential than I had initially realised. And these big food giants have done wonders convincing us all fresh produce is insurmountably inconvenient and, like lemmings, we go along with it, buying pre-packaged versions of these clearly inedible options.

And it’s not just vegetables. Fruit has also been bastardised as just too much of a nuisance to eat, so enter the frankenfooders to simplify it for us. Fruit Roll-Ups? They have brainwashed us into believing the burden of hauling around an apple or a pear had become so daunting, we needed someone to mix up fruit with some corn syrup and “Roll It Up”.

See? Now we do eat fruit because it’s easier. So you never have to experience that pesky fresh fruit juice squirting you in the eye or, worse, to stress out having to get up off the couch to wash it. You can just “unroll it”. And it never goes bad. Ever. It’s practically a miracle.

So, in a country where fertilised eggs are people and assembling burgers is a manufacturing job, and berries are better in the form of shoe leather, why not call a sugary fruit paste sauce that comes out of a can and is poured onto dough that comes out of a box, topped with cheese that’s spelt Cheez and comes out of a Whiz, a vegetable.

And in case you were wondering, yes, Axe Body spray is now considered a bath.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/nov/18/pizza-vegetable-congress-says-so or http://bit.ly/v4nDYF

Painting by Giuseppe Arcimboldo,  Portrait with Vegetables (The Greengrocer).  http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fichier:Arcimboldo_Vegetables.jpg or http://bit.ly/uiVdZe

Related Posts

Better bashed, than embraced Not all Republicans are Islamophobes but all Islamophobes are Republicans By Faheem Younus, 05:49 PM ET, 08/29/2012   The straw man of the...
God loves Republicans Why Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan believe wealthiness is next to godliness By Diane Roberts, Saturday 1 September 2012 10.00 EDT   God loves...
What should we teach our children? Why I had no choice but to spurn Tony Blair By Desmond Tutu, Saturday 1 September 2012   The immorality of the United States and Great Bri...
Bob Jones textbooks Republican religious fundamentalists would rewrite American history By Stephen Bates, Thursday 30 August 2012 09.00 EDT   It is always goo...
The Grand Old Party illusion Cruel Conservatives Throw a Masquerade Ball By Maureen Dowd, September 1, 2012   MESSAGE: They care. Republicans care deeply. They real...
Defining what is and isn’t reality Saving 'Lyin' Ryan' By Mark Hertsgaard, 03 Sep 2012 09:40   No doubt about it, Paul Ryan's acceptance speech at the Republican National Co...
Of wholesale surrender Greed and Debt: The True Story of Mitt Romney and Bain Capital By Matt Taibbi, August 29, 2012 7:00 AM ET   The great criticism of Mitt ...
The art of propaganda http://www.salon.com/2012/09/07/national_reviews_ryan_romney_cover_resembles_soviet_propaganda/ or http://bit.ly/PPzGSg
Take that, cynical Facebook-meme purveyors Go Ahead and Post That Liberal Rant on Facebook. You Might Change Someone’s Mind By Will Oremus, Wednesday, Sept. 5, 2012, at 5:55 PM ET Thinkin...
Naked on the national stage http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09cEwnivdr0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09cEwnivdr0 In caving on Jerusalem, Dems pulled back the curtain on the lo...

Permanent link to this article: http://levantium.com/2011/11/20/hey-america/

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.