Oh ga-lory!

Well, we finally did it. My wife and I decided to go see the most wholly reverend Dwain Miller of Eldorado, Arkansas, in the flesh. We have just returned and I have three words of prophecy for you: OH-MY-GAWD!

First of all, let me say that the Glory Barn regulars are the salt of the earth. Common folk, hard working, and sincere. And so, so gullible and horribly beguiled. These are the poor white people who will be voting for Romney tomorrow. In droves…

But Dwain Miller is a real piece of work! The first thing he did was lay his Jewish prayer-shawl talisman across the pulpit. Then he spent about five minutes speaking gibberish (tongues) and healing people of their pain (which they wouldn’t notice until the next morning he said).

Then he started reading/preaching from Ezekial 17 and by the time he was finally finished, about an hour later, he had covered the typical wackadoodlery about Gog and Magog, explaining that what it was REALLY talking about was the former USSR and its Islamic satellites, the demonic prince of Persia, the Arab Spring (which was a sure indication that Obama’s foreign policies, socialism, hostility towards Israel, etc., etc. were all indications of failure) from Libya to Syria, Turkey, the 12th Imam, Great Britain and its young-lion offspring America, and of course Israel. All to a constant refrain of “Oh ga-lory!”

He never came right out and endorsed Romney but he did his damnedest to damn Obama in between all his pitches for books, sermon tapes, and videos. WW3’s a’coming children, but we’ll all be raptured right afterwards, just before the Muslim Brotherhood (which is getting us ready for the white horse of death in John’s revelation) paves the way for anti-Christ and then tries to defeat Israel.

What the election tomorrow boils down to is doing what’s right for Israel. Seriously. New York and New Jersey got smacked by Sandy because Obama didn’t meet with Netanyahu at the UN. The twin towers fell at 9-11 because the church that George Washington prayed in sold off the land that the WTC was eventually built on. A verse that mentions some kind of boat made of bulrushes in the KJV is actually a top-secret, super-fast navy ship code-named “Reed” (get it? bulrush = reed!) and he knows this because a fellow in one of his audiences near the Mississippi delta told him so.

And of course he mentioned his good buddy Rabbi Curt Landry and how putting prayer shawls and shofars around the pulpit was going to make Jews jealous and turn them into Christians. And if you really want to get rich quick, be sure to go tomorrow night because he’s got a word from the Lord about how divine prosperity is going to be unleashed on these poor, pathetic, pitiful people…

When we left, he was heading into a back room to hawk his wares. All in all, an entertaining evening. Not too different from watching Fox News bobble-heads opining about the evils of Obama (he even worked Benghazi into his rant) except that we were able to enjoy the thrill of a live performance. Oh, before I forget, he also mentioned that Assad was a friend of Israel and Christians everywhere and then concluded his proof that Muslims are bad, bad, boogedy-boogedy BAD! people by reciting a long laundry list of terror attacks.

Comment/question:  It would drive me to drink.. Can you take wine and maybe a few loaves of bread to look good?

We won’t be going back tomorrow (or ever again, probably), so no need to sneak in booze and bread. Maybe tomorrow is your turn?

Comment/question:  Oh, dear. When are stupid people going to stop reproducing? Thanks for keeping an eye on the crazies for us, you are the Morris Dees of Arkansas (that’s a huge compliment, by the way).

Question/comment:  Did they pass an offering plate? AND: Did you put anything in it?

Yes, they passed a plate for the visiting charlatan. Regular tithes went into a box in the back. I suspect Miller’s take on this night was pretty meager and no, we did not share. Attend tonight for guaranteed prosperity. Ga-lory.

Actually I did give them something. I gave them my silence and respect (while I was amongst them). Some of Miller’s practiced recitation of abject flummery made me angry, but mostly what I experienced was incredulity and sadness. I never felt threatened or afraid of these people. They were all very friendly and happy to see us. But so deluded.

I need to add this context: Dwain Miller is a known TV personality on one of our state-wide Christianist broadcasts. Strikes me as a second-rate wannabe trying desperately to break into the gilded major leagues.

Question/comment:  Just as long as you didn’t start speaking Arabic……

My wife did ask why I didn’t wear my kufiyeh.

Question/comment:  Some day you will have to get me to tell you the story of the time when my second cousin convinced me to go to a sect meeting on the assumption that knowing Arabic, I would understand those who spoke in tongues and could tell if was the genuine thing.

This was genuine bovine-excrement gibberish.

Question/comment:  The long and the short of it was that we sat in the front row to get an overview, broke into uncontrollable fits of laughter as soon as the tongues spoke and soon found ourselves thrown in the ditch outside, by the seats of our pants. We were 13 and the tongue speak was definitely not semetic! It has been good for a chuckle for over 50 years! Shows what a good laugh can do. And I hope you had one too.

Thumbnail photograph (modified):  http://www.crosslifechurch.net/#/cross-life/pastor-millers-schedule