This is a good start?

Really?!  A friend of mine wrote me early this morning, clearly angry about some outrageous Facebook flummery she had just been exposed to.  Here’s how she started:

So explain to me HOW the same birther folks can justify Ted Cruz being even considered for the Presidency?   Don’t know if you looked at the “poll” on Tea  Party FB page (one of my friends posted this)  but many of the comments are VERY scary indeed…. very discouraging as a naturalized American… maybe I’ll check out if I can return to Dutch???

So let’s take a field trip together to Tea Party la-la land, to see what my friend is so upset about.  Before we begin, a bit of background…  My friend is a naturalized American citizen, living in (or near) Boston.  But she was born Dutch (on Aruba, part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands).  And she was still Dutch when we were in high school together, when I thought she was just another American brat like me, stuck in Beirut because our expat parents worked in the region.  Funny (now) how much you miss when you’re drunk on that teenage highball of introversion mixed with provincial arrogance…

Anyway, our first stop is the poll that her friend had shared with her, from the oh-so lovely Tea Party’s Facebook timeline.  I tried it out, twice (you had to take the poll to see the results).  The poll makes you choose, over and over, between two likely GOP candidates.  I’m supposing the match-ups are randomized, because the second round was different from the first.  When you finish, you get to see the top-ranked five.  The contestants in this peculiar beauty pageant are Jeb Bush, Paul Ryan, Nikki Haley, Mike Pence, Chris Christie, Brian Sandoval, Rick Perry, Jeff Flake, Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, John Thune, Mike Lee, John Kasich, Newt Gingrich, Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, Rick Santorum, Bob McDonnell, Pat Toomey, Bobby Jindal, Marco Rubio, Susana Martinez, Rand Paul, Kelly Ayotte, Jim DeMent, and Jan Brewer.

Yep, the Tea Party loves their wackadoodles!  At least the white male ones…  No real surprises here.  But it was the comments following the poll that really rankled my friend, even more than the absurdity of Canada-born Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz’s top-five ranking by Tea Party birthers.  One comment in particular, by a TP fan we’ll call “Sue” (because her name is Sue), stood out above the others.  And not because of its brilliance or its brevity…

I really do like that last response…  Now, just in case you can’t read the small print, let’s visit Sue’s demented declarations again:

Candidate must believe in God, concealed carry for all legal adults, the deportation of all illegal alien criminal invaders, no amnesty for anyone, reinstall armed border guards with shoot to kill orders, dump Oblamercare, restore fired military officers, restore national pride, mandate the Pledge of Allegiance in all schools, dump Common Core in all schools, return 8th grade graduation requirements to the 1890 test just modifying it to current issues, balance the budget, reduce overall spending by line item review, cut all foreign aid by 10% and then begin by cancelling funds to countries that continue to supply terrorists with the means to harm us, reduce the number of Muslims in the country, gain control over the national debt, take a pay cut as a statement he/she is willing to sacrifice and to set an example, cut federal prison costs by using Sheriff Joes (Arizona) idea to house non violent criminals in tents to lower the cost of imprisonment, use the prison system not to rehabilitate, which it doesn’t, but use increasing levels of freedom as a reward for behavior modification, put Islam on notice that all USA citizens are valued and that any harm that comes to them world wide will be met by retaliation, swift and true and that their holiest places will become the first targets, no RINOS need apply, as we are sick to death of their liberalism. Never again apologize for the USA. This is a good start.

This is indeed a good start, if you’re itching for a profoundly regressive theocracy.  Intrigued by Sue’s wide-ranging venom and the adoration of her fellow partiers?  Let’s venture next over to the Tea Party’s website, a veritable bastion of cleverness and conspiracy theories about Obama and Benghazi (Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi) and the IRS.  At the top of the page, over a banner that looks a lot like the war flag of the Imperial Japanese Army, there is this darling advertisement:

Better hurry, folks!  Only seven more days to stand your ground…  And it’s made right here, in the USA!  But the fun doesn’t stop there.  Below the banner (and the “we don’t call 911” ad) are these four perpetual petitions:

Lovely, n’est pas?  Fair and balanced.  Our Tea Party tour is almost over, but before we conclude our spooky visit to the asylum, let’s return once more to our fairly unbalanced Sue…  Here’s her Facebook profile:

Boo!  Happy Halloween, crazy Sue!  Trick or treat, America, and don’t step on the burning sack the Tea Party left on your doorstep…

– Monsieur d’Nalgar, October 31 2013

Photograph of circus clowns:  http://thecircusblog.wordpress.com/2008/09/23/cronins-clowns/