How can I respond in 500 words


surgical-toolsDear editor,

The good doctor-chairman complains that he cannot adequately explain himself within the constraints of this newspaper’s 500-word limit, but let’s see if we cannot concisely summarize the essence of all recent regressive rants:

God good. Guns good. Baby Jesus good. God bless Bibi Netanyahu and George Bush. War good. Torture good. Ronald Reagan very, very good.

Liberals bad. Mike and Bill and George bad. College professors bad. Muslims bad. Sermon on the Mount Jesus bad (or at least never mentioned in polite company). Obama Muslim. Ergo, Obama bad. And stupid. And a liar.

There! Less than 100 words… Oh, a few more things. America good. America exceptional. Founding fathers all good, fundamentalist Christians. Ipso facto, America Christian. Never criticize America. Love America, or leave it.

Guess that puts us at around 160 words, by the time we finally wind things down. And even good folk afflicted with sesquipedalophobia (or even the less serious hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia) can likely follow along.

Monsieur d’Nalgar
Hot Springs, Arkansas

 

Photograph:  http://thepoliticalcarnival.net/2013/07/05/doctor-doctor/

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2 comments

  1. Here’s the entire letter:

    Dear editor:

    How can I respond in 500 words to the four Sunday letters supposedly written in response to my previous letter? Many accusations were hurled at me and other conservatives in these four letters along with a few written errors.

    The simplest mistakes were by Doc Crawford, who misinterpreted Winston Churchill speaking of 20-year-olds and him thinking it referred to the 1920s. Next, was his statement that the tea party started in 2004 under a Democratic president (in 2004, Republican George Bush was president). It started in 2009 because of the actions of then Democratic President Barack Obama.

    But, the common denominator of all four letters is that they never address or answer the questions or accusations that I write in my letters. They just write diatribes attacking conservative values, the tea party, Christianity, capitalism, “old-fashioned” patriotism and those values. They all think these things are anachronisms better left in the past so their progressive beliefs can make this a better world. But they do not factually address concerns that I write about concerning what I see as the failure of their ideologies in the real world.

    Collectively you speak as if we don’t want peace in the world. Of course we want peace, but peace takes two sides wanting peace. Right now, our adversary only will accept our conversion to Islam or our death. I don’t see any peaceful solution as long as that is their attitude. Do all Muslims believe that? Of course not! But enough do for us to be concerned.

    Mike, we believe that we are all God’s creations; not as you stated, “children of the stars.” We believe we only become God’s children when we believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. And yes, we are so simple minded that we actually believe Jesus is the only way, rather than a million roads to heaven. I know you pity us.

    Yes Linda, we believe in capitalism because it has raised more people out of poverty than any other financial system. Yes, it has it abuses and it isn’t always fair. But historically, socialism/communism, which you seem to favor, has failed repeatedly and its fairness rests with everyone being equally poor and miserable. There is little to no incentive to achieve since what you work so hard for is then given to someone who hasn’t achieved. Where’s the fairness in that?

    But my biggest gripe is that I am willing to acknowledge that you are good, well-meaning people. I last wrote, “It’s not that I don’t appreciate much of your thoughts and desires for this world. Many are very positive and uplifting thoughts.” My problem is that you all universally speak of us conservatives negatively, as if we are evil without any redeeming qualities. That somehow we are worse than ISIS and others like them who you all seem to give a pass, as if they’re just misunderstood and it’s America’s fault how they act.

    Jack Sternberg, M.D.
    Chairman
    Garland County TEA Party

  2. This is the version that finally made it to press (today, Thursday, January 21, 2016), under the title “‘Flummery’ frenzy”. It is sweet surrender to my acute addiction to alliteration although, in my defense, I refrained from including “redneck” and “racist”…

    Dear editor:

    For all the good folk afflicted with sesquipedalophobia (or even the less serious hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia), let’s see if we can’t concisely summarize the essence of the red-hot rhetoric recently emanating from our local rabble of rabid regressives.

    God good. Guns good. Baby Jesus good. God bless George Bush and little Tommy Cotton. God bless Bibi Netanyahu who gave little Tommy Cotton a million-dollar bribe to sabotage American diplomacy.

    War good. Torture good. Ronald Reagan very, very good. America’s wiggy Founding Fathers all good (just like dear Saint Ronald of Hollywood). All good, fundamentalist Christians. Ipso facto, America Christian. Never criticize America. Love America, or leave it.

    Liberals bad. Mike and Bill and George bad. College professors bad. Muslims bad. Obama Muslim. Ergo, Obama bad. And stupid. And a liar. Uppity.

    Oh, and that Sermon on the Mount dude, the grown-up Jesus? Never, ever mention “that” Jesus, at least not in polite company. Stick to bloody Old Testament instead.

    So there you have it, a veritable frenzy of flummery distilled into less than 200 words. Who’d a thunk it?

    Jacques d’Nalgar
    Hot Springs, Arkansas

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