Cheez Whiz and lye



Dear editor:

Mister Sniffles’ ardent fans often attempt a diversionary tactic to deflect each and every criticism of their much-prayed-for sweet potato.  It’s an old debating trick to ignore the critics and instead demand an immediate and compelling explanation of why the alternative candidate is the better choice.  The tactic usually follows this erudite and genteel form…

“You better give it up, right now.  ‘Splain why Hillary would be a better president or shut your dang pie hole!”

How should one respond to such devastating brilliance?  The recent words of a life-long Republican and Birmingham lawyer suggest the answer.  Here, shared with his permission, is his take-no-prisoners response to an unfortunate soul named Louis…

“Actually, no, Louis, I don’t have to give it up.  Nor do I have to explain why Hillary would be a good president; I don’t particularly think she will be.  On the other hand, for me to advise you to eat Cheez Whiz rather than lye does not require me to explain why Cheez Whiz is good for you; it simply requires me to remind you that lye is poisonous and Cheez Whiz, whatever its flaws, is not.  Which is sort of analogous to what I’ve been doing ever since it became apparent that Trump would be the Republican nominee.”

He then adds…

“Hillary, I think, is an uninspiring person who will likely be a fairly mediocre president (others disagree, and I’m not debating that in this particular post).  Trump, on the other hand, is a racist, ill-informed xenophobe who speaks without regard for the truth or, as the game show would have it, the consequences either.  There is simply no comparison between the two, and the suggestion that, well, in order to speak against Trump, I must be a fan of Hillary’s is without foundation.”

And finally, he concludes…

“I speak against Trump because I’m a fan of the survival of humanity and of the survival of basic American principles.”

Drop the mic, Mister Birmingham Lawyer, sir.  Debate over.  Huzzah, huzzah…

[Jacques d’Nalgar]
Hot Springs, Arkansas

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